Cell Phone Zombies

I heard this on the news tonight: cell phone radiation has been associated with cancer – in rats. Frankly, I think rats should stay off the damn phone. Then they wouldn’t have problems with cell phone cancer.

This news item raises many questions. How in the world do they teach a rat to dial a cell phone, let alone convince it to spend hours talking on the phone? And how do rats manage to hold cell phones up to their ears with their small paws? And who do the rats call on the phone? Are there lots of rats out there with phones? It wouldn’t surprise me. There are probably a number of labs studying the impact of cell phone radiation on rats, and the rats are calling each other out of boredom. “What did they feed you today? Oh, rat chow again! Yeah, I’m getting tired of it, too.” Of course, to us humans the conversation would sound like, “Squeek? Squeek squeek squeek! Squeek squeek.”

I’m pretty sure that cell phones don’t cause cancer in humans. If they did, teenagers would be dropping dead all over America. I have witnessed teenagers getting off a school bus, walking in front of the bus, walking across the street, stepping up on the curb and continuing down the sidewalk, all without ever lifting their gaze from the cell phone they are holding in front of them with both hands.

If cell phones can be made small enough – and it’s a safe bet that one day they will be – people will probably get cell phones implanted inside their brains. Then, we really will have a world filled with walking zombies.