Meal Plan

I write this to point out how ridiculously easy it is to prepare healthy, nutritious meals, even if you know nothing about cooking or “meal-planning.”

My morning begins today when I notice I am down to my last roll of T.P. “Better go to the store and buy more,” I think. My next thought is, “What else do I need? Food, perhaps? I should make a list.”

I open the freezer to see if I have an adequate supply of frozen victuals. Lessee, a half dozen bags of frozen peas and four frost-covered boxes containing, presumably, entrées – kind unknown. I don’t feel like taking them out of the freezer and knocking the ice off the boxes to see what they are. Guess I’m okay there. Frozen foods: check.

Pantry: a bag of rice and two cans of stew. I’m ok there, too. Pantry: check.

I end up with a short list – dish soap, sponges, paper towels, tissues. And, of course, T.P.  While I’m at the store I can look around and see what else I might want to buy.

I get my Jeep out of the garage and I drive to my local Walmart. As I walk through the store I see one goodie after another that makes me go, “Ooh, I need that.” Deli salads, yogurt, eggs, peanut butter – I put all of them, and more, into my cart. Finally, I pay the cashier and drive home.

So what did I not buy at the store? Dish soap. Sponges. Paper towels. Tissues. And, of course, T.P. Forgot ‘em all.

Why didn’t I take the list with me? I did. I just forgot to take it out of my pocket and look at it.

When I get home it is noon. I eat my first meal of the day: a store-bought “wrap” sandwich. And Greek yogurt. Followed a  few hours later by lunch: a store-bought salad. And another yogurt.

Then I think, “I’d better drive to another store and, at least, buy more T.P.” So I drive to Martin’s Foods. While there I pick up a few more items I hadn’t planned to purchase. I  buy kefir – the store has a new brand I have never tasted called Evolve. I almost buy a bottle of GT’s Kombucha. The label states, “Organic, raw Kombucha.” It is icy cold and inviting, but then I realize I don’t have any idea what Kombucha is or how it tastes. I know that I should know what it is – after all, it’s sold in an ordinary grocery store, not in some kind of exotic health-food store – though I’m sure it’s sold in those, too. I look at the list of ingredients, but no help there – the only ingredient listed is “organic, raw kombucha.”

Later, back at home, the dinner hour rolls around and I eat my third meal of the day. This meal is an Atkins meal. At least, that’s what I like to call it. You might call it a box of Cashew Nut Chew Bars. I eat all five. They are chocolate-covered and delicious. And being an Atkins product, I’m sure they are healthy and nutritious.

There you have it: a day of healthy, nutritious meals. I think you’ll agree, “meal planning” is highly over-rated.

POETS Day

That’s what workers in the UK and Australia call Friday. It stands for Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday. Today is Friday. What did you do today?

What’s that? What did I do today? Nothing of importance. I’m too old to know or do anything useful to society. You don’t have to be very old to be too old, as many ex-workers younger than I am will testify.

But lessee. I slept fitfully last night and consequently awakened late – around 9:30. I say “late” but in truth I have no reason to be up at any particular hour, nor do I have anyone to admonish me for sleeping too long.

I got up and ate, then Skyped with an amigo in Roanoke for a while. Around 10:30 I realized the sun was getting high in the sky and I still had to mow my back yard (did the front yesterday). So I hastened out to do that before the sun got too hot. Okay, technically the sun is always hot, but you know what I mean.

Back inside, I watched cable news, surfed the Web, watched a little television. Then, on some unfathomable impulse that apparently wafted in on a stray breeze coming through my window, I decided I would fire up my VB Express IDE (integrated development environment) and write a GUI (graphical user interface) for Microsoft’s FCIV (File Checksum Integrity Verifier). FCIV is a tool for generating MD5 and SHA-1 hash values from files, but it’s a command-line tool and so not very easy to use. Ah, something to fix!

So I created a Windows project and coded the app, and a few hours later I had it working. But then the thought occurred, “Why make a GUI for another app when I can code an app that does it all?”

So I created a new project (named Integrifier, for Integrity Verifier) and soon I had the new app working. Initially, it supports the MD5 and SHA-1 cryptographic hash functions, which are the two most commonly used file integrity algorithms.

I’ll put the app in my online Library so others can use it. Before I do that I want to add features to it, such as the ability to hash multiple files with one click, and hash all files inside a specified folder, and create reports, and maybe I’ll add a toolbar with pretty icons. That’s enough work to keep me out of trouble for another few days.

And don’t tell me it’s been done and maybe done better. Would you tell an artist not to draw a picture of a beach or a mountain because they’ve already been drawn?

Diet Deviation

I’ve been good about observing my diet the last few weeks, so I decided to “reward” myself with a rare, fast-food meal at McDonald’s. Those one-dollar hamburgers and hot, salty fries are so tasty! So I went there and walked up to the counter and placed my order. “Two hamburgers, small fries, small diet, for here.”

The counter girl punched in the order and took my payment. Then she meandered over to a stainless steel bin and picked up one cheeseburger. She meandered back to the counter and placed the cheeseburger on my food tray. The reason I knew it was a cheeseburger is because printed on the wrapper in one-inch high, cheese-yellow letters was the word “CHEESEBURGER”.

“I asked for two hamburgers,” I reminded the counter girl.

“Oh yeah,” she replied, and returned to the food bin, picked up another cheeseburger, and placed it on my tray beside the first cheeseburger.

“Aren’t those cheeseburgers?” I asked, trying to be helpful.

The counter girl looked down, dumbfounded, at the cheeseburgers on my tray. An older employee working nearby said to her, “Those are cheeseburgers. Hamburgers are in the brown wrappers.” Then she turned to me and said in a confidential tone, “She’s new.”

I stepped away from the counter to make way for other customers to place their orders. Directly in front of me, behind the counter, was a machine called a McFlurry maker. I know this because there was a large label on the front it of that said “McFlurry.”

Now, I don’t actually know what a McFlurry is but, as the machine looked very similar to a milk-shake machine, I assume a McFlurry is some kind of semi-frozen dessert made from ice cream or perhaps (using industry parlance) made from an “ice-cream-style product.” Inside the machine was a small sign which had printed on it in large, bold letters a strict warning against putting any objects inside the machine. “DO NOT PUT ANY OBJECTS IN THE MCFLURRY MAKER BELOW THE EXTRUDER,” it said. I guess doing this must have previously caused some kind of bad karma. Also inside the machine below the extruder were two tall plastic cups filled with spoons and little plastic cups similar to coffee creamer singles. I don’t know, but it seems putting crap directly in front of a sign that says, basically, “Do Not Put Crap Here” might be asking for bad karma.

I got my two hamburgers and fries, and I sat, and I enjoyed them. What the hell, I’m not actually losing weight anyway. Yes I’m dieting, and yes I’m consuming a lot fewer calories than two months ago, and yet after losing a few pounds my body put the brakes on and said, “Oh no, you’re not!” Using nutrition information from Mickey D’s website, I computed my fast-food diet deviation to be 730 calories. Add that to my breakfast and I’ve only consumed 930 calories today, and it’s already after 5 PM. For what it’s worth, my diet is still golden. Or, at the least, gold-plated.

VERBAGE Responds

The staff here at the VirtualWayne Establishment for Recreational Blogging And  Generic Essays (VERBAGE) would like to respond to a recent reader comment that stated, perhaps sarcastically, that this blog produces, on occasion, writing that has entertainment value (i.e., “this drivel is so brilliant, you *must* keep writing”).

All comments are welcome. However, commenters are advised to keep the following guidelines in mind while composing their comments.

• Positive comments will be printed, framed, and displayed on a wall inside the VERBAGE World Headquarters (photo). Negative comments will be printed and fed to the goats we keep behind our building, whereupon said comments will quickly be turned into – you know – goat poo.
• Sarcastic comments should be accompanied by a smiley face so as to indicate sarcasm, which might possibly be too brilliantly composed to be recognized as such. Example:

Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

Finally, the reader should realize that the reason for writing this blog is not to entertain but, rather, to allow us to exercise our fingers while waiting for the start of regular season NFL games on network television. Go RG3!

Have a nice day,
- The Staff

Lughnasad

Today is Lughnasad. Need I say more?

Really? Okay, I’ll explain.

The Celts (or Kelts) were an Iron Age people who lived in medieval Europe. They divided the year into 4 quarters defined by the solstices and the equinoxes. The solstices and equinoxes are actually moments in time, but the word also means the day on which that moment occurs.

In case you’ve forgotten your Astronomy 101, a solstice occurs twice a year when the sun reaches its highest (Summer Solstice) or lowest (Winter Solstice) altitude above the horizon at local solar noon (high noon). The Summer Solstice occurs in late June (in the northern hemisphere) and is the first day of summer. The Winter Solstice occurs in late December and is the first day of winter.

An equinox occurs twice a year when the Earth’s axis is not tilted toward or away from the Sun. All points on the Earth’s surface then have the same length day and night. The Vernal Equinox happens in late March and is the first day of spring. The Autumnal Equinox occurs in late September and is the first day of autumn.

The Celts divided the year into four quarters based on these astronomical events, and then they divided each quarter-year in half. There was a good reason for this. Astronomical events like solstices and equinoxes were causes for celebration. If you make twice as many special days, you can have twice as many celebrations. The Celts were big partiers. “Hey, it’s Lughnasad day, somebody build a bonfire! Par-TAY!!!” (Just kidding, Celt fans. Don’t put a spell on me.)

The Celts had names for each of these eight events. For example, their name for the Winter Solstice was Yule. Yule is the only Celtic name that is still commonly used (though now it refers to the Christmas season, which is celebrated at the same time of year that Yule was once celebrated).

Getting to the title of this blog post, today is Lughnasad, the halfway point between Summer Solstice and Autumnal Equinox. For us, summer is half over. We are halfway to autumn. The days will grow shorter ever faster.

Note that the Celts did not consider Summer Solstice to be the first day of summer. Their name for Summer Solstice – the longest day of the year – translates to “midsummer’s day.” Midsummer’s day marked their halfway point of summer. That makes a lot of sense. Hot weather has already been here a while by the time Summer Solstice arrives. Likewise, the Celts considered Winter Solstice – the shortest day of the year – to mark the halfway point of winter, not the beginning of winter.

The Celts are gone, but in a way they’re still around, they just don’t call themselves Celts any longer, and most of them don’t speak a Celtish language. But some of their festivals are still celebrated. Yule is Christmas. Imboic is the feast day of St Brighid. Beltain, the beginning of the Celt’s summer, is May Day. Samhaim, the first day of winter for the Celts, is Halloween. And have you ever wondered why Easter’s symbols are colored eggs and chocolate bunnies? The Celt fertility goddess Ostara was celebrated on the day of the spring equinox with a festival that welcomed the coming of spring and new growth. The symbols for Ostara were an egg and a hare. Because in spring, birds build nests and lay eggs, and rabbits do what rabbits do best.

Minor Mystery

I have a wooden backscratcher on my computer desk. It’s about 18 inches long with a five-fingered “claw” at one end and a hole for a string at the other end.

	The string is tied in a loop and allows the backscratcher to be hung on a nail, in the event its owner prefers displaying the backscratcher as a decorative knick-knack instead of using it as a functional tool. I keep my backscratcher close. If I get an itch while working at my computer, I pick up the little wooden scratcher and give the itch a good scratching with the claw. << Here’s the claw end of the backscratcher.
	<< Here’s the other end. For the years that I have owned the scratcher, a small red string has passed through the hole and has been tied into a loop. The other day I picked up the backscratcher and as I did, I saw the red string fall off the scratcher and onto the floor. I didn’t think much of it. I figured the string had become frayed and had parted, or the knot had become untied.
	But then I then found the string lying on the floor beside my chair. The string is still sturdy and still tied in a loop! How did the string get free of the hole it had been looped through for years? It’s a mystery. Not a major mystery like, “How was the Universe created?”, but a minor mystery that makes you say “Huh” and then forget about it.

Summer Rain

It’s morning. I’ve Skyped. I’ve breakfasted. Now I throw on shorts, step onto my front porch, collect my mail, and eyeball my yard. I want to mow today. It’s been a week and the grass needs cutting, plus today is cloudy, a bonus when it comes to yard work. But drops of water sparkle amongst the blades of grass. Lacking sunshine to banish it, the early morning dew lingers. For now, the grass is too wet to mow.

Time passes; the noon hour nears. The day grows darker, the air hotter and muggier. I turn on the a/c. I go to an open window to close it, and as I lean toward the window, I smell rain. It’s not raining now but it’s going to rain soon. It’s in the air; it’s close.

Twenty minutes later, the rain arrives with a downpour but then settles into a steady, light rainfall as if it means to say, “I’ll be here for a while.” My reply: “Go right ahead. You’ve already soaked the grass; whatever notion I had that I might mow this afternoon is gone. So stick around and water the mushrooms that will soon be sprouting in my yard.” The rain obliges and hangs around.

Yesterday I noticed that one of my neighbors has planted several faux mushrooms in her front yard, little plastic, possibly ceramic, obstacles to mow around, or remove before mowing and replant afterward. Good thinking, lady; that’s what you need: more impediments to mowing, because pushing a mower around the yard isn’t trouble enough. Plant gee-gaws in your yard to make mowing more challenging. But who am I to criticize? If gee-gaws make you happy, go for ‘em. Just stay away from my yard. When I want mushrooms in my yard, I’ll get them the old-fashioned way. I’ll let the rain and central Virginia humidity incubate them there.

Hours pass and the sky remains dark, the rain comes down hard again. Most summers see my lawn turn brown and crispy as the grass bakes and dies under too many sunny days. But not this summer. This summer has seen its share of rain. Almost every week I have to “mow around” rainy days. Mowing around obstacles is one thing; mowing around days of the week is another level of planning. And when I think I have it planned, the rainy day moves to a different day of the week and my mowing plan is shot to hell, and I end up with grass too high to mow without stalling the mower – which is a whole other kind of pain in the tookus.

More hours pass; now it's night, almost time for sleep. The rain is gone, the outside temperature is a reasonable 72°. But the humidity is about 110 percent. The air is dank; it even smells wet, moldy. Tomorrow the heat returns. I’ll have a chance to mow the already-too-high grass while sweating out two pounds of perspiration. I expect one day my body will be found lying in my yard with my hand still on the mower throttle. With luck, someone will write a country song about it.