Night Thoughts

I knew what I was getting into. I really did. And yet.

Long ago, long before I was born into this life, I was told what would happen. But, my advisors told me that this life was for the best. I would learn things I needed to learn. If I didn't learn them in this life, they would face me in another life. One way or another, I would have to learn them. They told me that this life was the right time to do that.

So I stepped into this lifetime. It took me a very long time to understand that my life wasn't merely happening to me. My life was what I chose. There were stones in my path: large ones, small ones. I needed them all. And finally, nearing the end of my life, I understand at last. I don't complain. I'm only getting what I need, and what I agreed to experience. 

The soul has goals and needs that transcend earthly lifetimes. "Why did this happen to me?" you may ask. The answer is: because you needed it. Maybe you needed poverty. Maybe you needed oppressive wealth. The list is endless.

I finish my glass of wine and go to bed, but not to sleep. I lie in the darkness and think. My companion lies beside me. I roll over and put my arm over her warm body. She does not awaken. She has chosen her life just as I have chosen my life. And now, as we both experience the final chapter of our lives, we have chosen to be together—a choice we made long ago, in that timeless epoch before we were born and to which we will return.

Young spirits will be puzzled at my words. To them I say, go and have fun, but remember that your destiny awaits you. Do not be surprised when it comes to you when you least expect it.

Tonight, sleep will not come for me. I rise and return to my writing task. I decide to finish the bottle of red wine that I began hours ago. It's the first wine I've tasted in three years. It's good and it warms my body and soul. I used to drink vodka. But vodka is mainly good for getting drunk. Wine is good for reflection, at least it is for me. I wish it would help me sleep. I sleep very little these days, and I lie awake in bed, in darkness, for far too many hours. But it's a part of the life that I chose.