Ice Cream

Ice cream. Who doesn’t love it?

I’ve never snorted cocaine, nor injected heroin, but if they’re more addicting than Cookies ‘n Cream ice cream, then I’m staying far, far away from both of them.

You’ve seen those 3-pint tubs of ice cream in grocery store freezers? Or as I sometimes call them late at night, single-serving tubs. They work like this:

Day 1. I buy a tub of ice cream and take it home. I eat a nominal “serving” (as defined on the side of the tub). I think, That can’t be a serving, and I eat another.
Day 2.  I eat three servings. Before getting into bed, I remove the tub from the freezer, and I get a spoon, and I nibble at and scrape away the lumpy surface of the ice cream so that it’s smooth as a billiard table. This amounts to at least one more serving, but I don’t count it because I’m just “neatening up” the ice cream.
Day 3.  I no longer bother with the pretense of servings. I attack the tub with a spoon until the ice cream is gone.

Cookies ‘n cream should be on the Schedule One drug list, and the stores that stock it should be guarded by the DEA.

That is why I rarely buy ice cream. I can handle it fine as long as it stays inside its tub in the store’s freezer.

Another thing: on the store’s freezer aisle, I was surprised to see all the 3-pint tubs. The last time I bought ice cream, it was sold in half-gallon cartons. When did everyone switch from half-gallon cartons to 3-pint tubs?  And why do single-pint tubs cost twice as much as 3-pint tubs?  (Store: “We have to charge extra for the convenience of the smaller container.” Me: “What?”) Incidentally, the half-gallon cartons did not last any longer than the 3-pint tubs.

You can measure the passage of time in America by the shrinkage of cans and cartons. Sixteen ounce cans went to 15 ounces, then 14.5 ounces. Six ounce cans of tuna went to 5 ounces, then to 4.5 ounces. A roll of toilet paper shrank to a half-roll, then went back to a full roll, which the manufacturers like to call a double-roll, but we all know it isn’t really a double roll – it’s just a roll. Though admittedly, a so-called double-roll is double the size of a half-roll. Maybe that’s what they mean. “You’re getting double the amount you would be getting if we sold you half as much as we’re selling you.” You can’t deny the logic.

I’ve wandered off the topic of this post, “Ice Cream,” and there’s only one thing to be done about it. It’s time to go to the freezer and see if the Cookies ‘n Cream is as tasty as it was yesterday. I’m really not an ice cream addict. Really, I’m not. I can stop eating it whenever I want to.

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

[p.s.: This is Day 3. As foretold in the Prophecies, the tub is empty. My stomach is happy.]