The Invader

It was late night. I sat in my living room chair, watching some manner of late-night show on television. The dimmer on my torchiere floor lamp was turned low. Suddenly, I saw movement on the hardwood floor. A cockroach had found its way into my abode.

I hate cockroaches. There are two things I will not tolerate in my house: a cockroach and a mouse. So when the nasty critter crept out of the shadows into my view, it was game on.

I keep a can of bug spray on the nearby fireplace hearth. Because, if I have to go and hunt down the spray can, the critter will likely be gone when I return. So I got out of my chair and I grabbed the spray can and I rained liquid death on the invading critter. It skittered away under a bookcase.

I sat back in my chair but I kept the bug spray within arm’s reach. Ten minutes later, the bug crept back into my vision. This time I bounded from my chair and gave the critter a good close-up dose of roach-killer. As before, it skittered back into the shadows. I returned to my chair, confident I had given the creature a lethal dose.

Ten minutes later, the blasted critter once again crept into view. What the hell? What does it take to kill these critters? Have they become immune to bug spray? I grabbed the can of spray and I was on top of the bug, dosing it from six inches away. This time, the bug made a mistake. Instead of scuttling back into the shadows, it ran the opposite way – across the room. I followed it with the spray can, laying down a track of white foam along the way. The damn thing was getting away, and I couldn’t let that happen. So I began stomping it. I was wearing socks, no shoes, so my stomping was not as effective as I would have liked, but I got the job done. One cockroach sent to cockroach hell.

A couple nights later I went into my kitchen and damn if there wasn’t another cockroach there. This time the foul creature ran across the floor, and the bug spray was twenty feet away – out of reach and too far to grab and return. The roach would be gone when I got back. Fortunately, I had something in my hand that was even more effective than bug spray. You want to know what really can take out a cockroach fast? A two liter bottle of cola. I bombed that sucka good.

Attention cockroaches: stay the hell out of my house. You’re always going to lose.