One bad thing about the Las Vegas massacre – and there was a plethora of bad there – is something that hasn’t been discussed much, and that is the trend of mass shootings in America. Mass shootings have become more commonplace and more deadly over time. The trend is clear: mass shootings will happen more frequently and with increasing casualties.
I have a gun-collector friend who labels mass shooters as “dumbasses”. And he’s right. But given that the US has far more shootings per capita than any other high-income country, does that mean we have more dumbasses? Probably not. It’s just that we arm our dumbasses with weapons more suited to war than to hunting or target shooting.
Now the NRA is pushing Congress to legalize silencers. Great idea – let’s equip weapons with silencers so people have no way to know from which direction they are being fired on.
As long as the NRA seems bent on an agenda that – intentional or not – makes it easier for a shooter to kill as many of us at once as possible, why not go all the way and legalize pipe bombs? Imagine this scene at your local hardware store:
At the store entrance:
“Excuse me, but where is the pipe bomb section?”
“Bay 29, sir.”
“Thank you.”
At bay 29:
“Can I help you, sir?”
“I want to buy a pipe bomb. Maybe several.”
“No problem. You’ve come to the right store. We have six inch and eight inch bombs, and there’s the twelve inch for larger crowds. The eight inch is our best seller. It’s good for wedding-party size crowds. How many people are you planning to kill?”
“I don’t know but it will be a large number.”
“Then the twelve inch is your best bet. How many do you need?”
“Maybe three.”
“You’re in luck! This week we’re having a sale: buy one and get one free.”
“Great! I’ll take a half dozen.”
“Very good. And the fuses?”
“What?”
“A thirty second fuse is standard, but we have optional longer burning fuses – one minute, two minutes, and five minutes. We offer a free upgrade this week to any of our other fuses. Of course, if you need a custom fuse you can specify the burn time, but there will be a small fee.”
“What do you suggest?”
“Well, twelve inch bombs have a big blast radius, so I would suggest a longer burning fuse – at least two minutes. Can you tell me more about the slaughter you’re planning? I might be able to give you a more precise answer.”
“That’s okay. I’ll take the two minute fuses.”
“Fine. I can ring up your purchase right here. I have to ask two questions. Sorry, but it’s the law. First, are you insane?”
“I’ve never seen a shrink in my life.”
“Good. Second, are you a violent criminal?”
“No way. Ask my parole officer.”
“Excellent. We appreciate your honesty, because frankly we’ve had no way to check that kind of thing ever since the Hunters and Sportsmen Privacy Act was passed.
We’re all done now. I’ll put these in a bag and get your change.”
Ka-ching!
“Here you go. Have a good day.”
“Thanks. And be sure to watch the news this Saturday. That’s when I’ll be using these babies.”
“Will do. But I have to ask: parade, convention, concert – ?”
“Nope. Girl scout jamboree. I’m tired of getting ripped off buying their over-priced cookies. This’ll show ‘em.”
Some may complain that I’m not being fair to gun culture. After all, no one hunts with pipe bombs. True enough. But no one hunts with fully automatic firearms, so why are bump stocks legal? And no one hunts with a silencer on their rifle. Who needs silencers and for what legitimate purpose?
The Boston marathon bombers used two homemade bombs designed to inflict as much carnage as possible. Hundreds were injured, but only 3 people were killed. So at Vegas and other mass shootings, pipe bombs would have been the less deadly option.
Sorry, folks. It’s sarcasm. Bitter, bitter sarcasm.
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