Shopping at the Lion

I drove to Food Lion this afternoon. Right off the bat, I ran into a guy with a pistol on his belt. He was ogling some toilet paper. Just about then, another guy, also with a sidearm, ran up shouting, “I saw it first!” They both grabbed at the TP and began fighting, and the next thing you know, a shot rang out. Then another shot. The two guys took cover; one ran behind the potato chips, and the other took refuge behind the corn chips. They continued shooting. Like other customers, I hit the floor. I was lying beside a guy wearing a Food Lion stocker costume, and I thought it proper to introduce myself.

“Hi, I’m VirtualWayne.”

“Hello, I’m Jason.”

“Hi Jason. You can call me VW.”

“Nice to meet you, VW.” And we shook hands, breaking several Covid-19 regulations the governor has declared.

“Nice to meet you, Jason. Can I call you J-man?”

“Please don’t.”

Great story, huh? But it didn’t happen. I’m making it up, as you well know.

“But,” you protest, “how were we supposed to know you were making up this story?”

Simple. Your first clue should have been when I said there was toilet paper at Food Lion. Because, there is no toilet paper at Food Lion. Or nose blow paper. Or paper towels. (But there really was a shopper wearing a pistol.)

Is there a shortage of these things? No. The reason why the shelves are bare is because when the store opens at 7AM a small crowd rushes in, and by 7:15 the store is sold out of paper goods. It’s a really sad commentary on humanity. For the rest of the day, no one can buy toilet paper because ten people have filled their garages to the rafters with it. If something were to start a fire in one of those garages, it would go up in flames like Jim Beam’s warehouse.

Thankfully, the store had the things I myself consider essential: potato chips, corn chips, trail mix, and Oreo cookies. Plus, regular food that any American male would eat for any meal of the day: all-beef hot dogs and buns. And hot dog chili. And onion for dicing and adding to the dog.

I also bought a jar of peanut butter, because peanut butter is all-purpose. You can eat peanut butter out of the jar, by itself. You can eat bread with peanut butter and honey, or with peanut butter and jelly. You can make chocolate and peanut butter pie. You can make peanut butter and baloney sandwiches. You can spackle a bullet hole in your wall with peanut butter. Uh, maybe that last one isn’t a plus. But you can.