Prostate Biopsy

I got up at 5:30 AM Friday (after getting to sleep around 3:30 AM). I went to the kitchen and made an omelet. Then I went to the bathroom to prep for the prostate biopsy I would soon have. Prepping was simple: a saline enema and, boy, do those things work fast. After that, I showered and dressed, grabbed my GPS (I didn’t think I’d need it, but what the heck … I might need to find an alternate route – you never know). I went outside and backed my Jeep out of the garage. I stuck the GPS to the windshield near the dashboard and plugged in the power cable. I punched “Navigate To” and “Favorites” and selected my destination at Stony Point which I had punched in weeks earlier.

Traffic on northbound I-95 was moderately heavy at 7 AM, but I’ve seen worse. I left I-95 at exit 67B and got on Chippenham Parkway. The GPS was directing me; I wasn’t paying much attention to the exit signs now. “Turn right ahead,” the female voice advised me, which I knew really meant “get into the right lane but don’t turn until I tell you.”  After a short while, the GPS said, “Turn right, then turn right at the end of the road.” I began a right turn onto an exit ramp. The GPS, apparently not trusting me to remember the entire instruction, repeated itself, “Turn right, then turn right at the end of the road.” I did as I was told and found myself on another road. “Turn left ahead,” the GPS advised.

I was early. My appointment was for 8 AM but the woman who made the appointment advised me to show up at 7:40 to complete paperwork. I had allowed additional time in case of unforeseen delays but had not needed the extra time. It was only 7:20 now, so instead of turning left into the surgery center, I turned right and entered Stony Point Fashion Mall and drove slowly around it. It was a large, upscale mall. It reminded me of the shopping areas around the planned community of Reston, near D.C. Though large, this mall is not the largest in the area. About twenty minutes away is the Short Pump Town Mall – twice the size of this mall.

After circumnavigating the shopping center, I drove to the surgery center, parked, and went inside. I signed in and was handed a clipboard with two pages that required my signature. I initialed the two pages and handed back the clipboard. So much for the paperwork for which they advised me to show up 20 minutes early. Now, what to do with the remaining 19 minutes?

Finally I was called to a small room where I signed another piece of paper before going into a tiny changing alcove where I changed clothes into one of those hospital johnnies that opens in the back. Then I walked around the corner into the procedure room. Two women, Tina and Kaky, were there to assist. They helped me lie down on my left side on an exam table and get into position for the procedure. We chatted while waiting for the doctor.

At about 8:05 the doctor arrived and wasted no time getting started. He inserted an ultrasound probe into my rectum to locate my prostate then injected it with lidocaine. We waited a minute for it to take effect, then he inserted the biopsy gun and began taking samples. Every time the biopsy gun went “clack” I knew a hollow needle had pierced my rectum and prostate. I felt a small twinge of pain, but not bad. Worse was the feeling of pressure that increased with every clack of the gun. After a half dozen clacks of the biopsy gun, I felt like I needed to pee or poop or both. One of the women, Kaky, was rubbing my arm … probably to comfort me and distract my attention from the procedure. I couldn’t see the doctor or the other woman, Tina. Finally Kaky said, “Just two more.”  At that point I was really glad he was taking 12 samples and not 18.

Finally the procedure was over and the doctor and Tina left the room. Kaky went over some post-procedure instructions and then offered me a choice of beverages. She emphasized it was important to drink a lot that day. If I didn’t, she said, a blood clot could block my urinary tract and that, as you might imagine, would be a bad thing.

I changed into my clothes, signed one more piece of paper, and drove home. And that was that. It hadn’t been pleasant, but it wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated it might be. Now I have to wait six days for the result.