Emotional Support Critters

I read recently of a woman who tried to board a United Airlines plane with her “emotional-support peacock”. The airline wouldn’t allow the peacock on the plane.

Next, I read of a woman who tried to board a Spirit Airlines plane with her “emotional-support hamster”. She wasn’t allowed to bring it onto the plane so she made the decision to flush the hamster down a toilet.

I can empathize with those passengers. Their stories remind me of a similar experience I had with an airline. I tried to board the plane with my emotional-support animal and they would not allow me to bring it onto the plane. I think the gate attendant’s exact words were, “Sir, you can’t bring a diamondback rattlesnake onto the airplane.” I asked, “Why not? It’s my emotional-support rattlesnake. I need it with me.” And the gate attendant said, “Sir, even if we allowed the snake on the plane, it would have to be in a cage — not coiled around your waist like it is now.”

The airline and their stupid rules reminded me of an incident I had with another airline. That time, the gate attendant wouldn’t allow me to board the plane with my emotional-support penguin. First he asked if the penguin was housebroken. So I, being a reasonable person, said to him, “Are you kidding? How do you housebreak a penguin?” But he continued to be unreasonable. So I returned to the exotic-pet store and traded my penguin for a rattlesnake.

And now I can’t bring my rattlesnake onto the plane. I’ll have to trade it for a different critter. I’m pondering what my next critter will be. I’m leaning toward an emotional-support scorpion. But airlines are so fussy, it wouldn’t surprise me if they don’t allow scorpions on planes, either. What’s a jet passenger to do? Do they expect us to fly alone?