Headlines

With immediate thoughts.

Boeing’s already-delayed Starliner spacecraft suffers propellant leak during engine testing >>

They’re going to get these rocket ships right one day. Mark my words, the day will come when almost all of them don’t blow up. There will be no more drama. Somebody pushes a button, the rocket goes up, and it’s over. Boring. Enjoy these days of exploding rockets while we still have them.

Hot Cheetos and Takis under fire after snacking teen needs gallbladder removal >>

The teen’s mom blames Cheetos and Takis but no one really knows why these things happen. I lost my gall bladder years ago. I blamed fresh vegetables. Since then, I’ve avoided vegetables. For breakfast I’ll eat bacon and eggs with extra bacon grease. Sometimes breakfast is hot dogs. For lunch, takeout burgers, extra cheese and mayo, hold the lettuce and tomato, and a side of fries, extra greasy, extra salty. Occasionally I’ll eat a salad, but I know I’m doing myself no favor. Those garden salads are probably the reason that my cholesterol is too high to measure. Meh.

'Nobody needs to die of AIDS anymore,' Elton John says >>

When it comes to medical science, if you can’t believe Elton John then who can you believe? At any rate, I think what Mr. John really meant to say was “No wealthy celebrities need to die of AIDS anymore.” And no doubt he’s right.

Is Trump a Russian operative assigned to destroy America? >>

Wait, that wasn’t a headline. Just a question I’ve wondered about. Sorry.

Wealthy Shoppers Push Aside Trade Dispute Fears to Fuel LVMH >>

You may be asking, “What the heck is a LVMH?” If so, you’re not a wealthy shopper. Don’t worry, you have plenty of company. LVMH (actual name: LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton SE) is a multinational luxury goods conglomerate. And their business is booming. It’s nice to know that Trump’s tariffs aren’t hurting the wealthy class. That wouldn’t be right.

Trump Will Spend $12 Billion Bailing Out Farmers Hurt by His Trade War >>

Who are these un-American farmers griping about not being able to sell their soybeans because of Trump’s tariffs? They should take a tip from our wealthy class and go shopping. Buy a few feel-good trinkets for the nightstand. I suggest a Steiff Louis Vuitton Teddy Bear for $2.1 million, or a Shimansky soccer ball for $2.59 million. For those who prefer something a little pricier, there are plenty to choose from, including a Lamborghini Aventador Model Car for $4.6 million. I don’t know how many soybeans our farmers have to sell to buy one of these trinkets, but I suspect it’s a lot. Better get to work, guys.