A Doctor Visit

I went to see my primary care doctor. It was a 9:15AM appointment, as early as I could get in to see her. She does hospital rounds in the early morning and gets to her office around 9AM.

Her assistant entered the room and took my blood pressure and asked me a few questions about my meds, then she left and the doctor entered. I sat on the exam table. 

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"I feel great," I replied.

"I'm not surprised," she said. "Your lab work shows you're in great health."

"Wonderful," I said.

"But there are a few areas you need to work on," she added.

"Okay."

"First, I recommend you eat more hot dogs ... at least two per day, preferably at lunch time."

"Okay, I can do that," I told her. "What about toppings? Can I eat chili?"

"Yes, eat as much chili on your dogs as possible. Also, I recommend diced onion and a little mustard."

"Okay. What else?"

"Do you eat chocolate bars?"

"Never," I said.

"I recommend that you begin eating at least one a day with lunch."

"Okay. But I'm already overweight. Won't chocolate bars make that worse?"

"No problem," she said. "Science has recently discovered that obesity is good for us. Eat as many sweets as you can."

"I will," I promised.

"Do you drink alcohol?" she asked.

"No," I admitted. "I quit last year."

"I recommend you add daily vodka to your diet, but no more than a half gallon per day."

"I will definitely consider that," I replied.

"And how is your sex life?" she asked.

I was somewhat taken aback. "Well..." I began.

"To be honest with you," she said, "My marriage is falling apart and my sex life sucks. We all need regular sex to be healthy. My clinic has a storage room in back with a bed. Why don't we go there now!" And she grabbed my hand and pulled me off the exam table. This was the best doctor visit ever!

Then the phone on the dresser beside me buzzed and I woke up. 

I got up and stretched. I showered, dressed, left the house, and backed my car out of the garage. I had a 9:15AM doctor appointment. For real.