I don’t usually read bottle labels, but I was in my bathroom shower preparing to cleanse my scaly bod, and as I reached for the liquid body wash I happened to notice the fine print on the label:
For an exhilarating clean, shower with…
There may be something wrong with me, because I can truthfully say that bathing has never made me feel exhilarated. Clean, yes. Exhilarated, no.
Deep cleansers remove dirt…
Exactly what is a “deep” cleanser? Because, I don’t want to use any cleanser that goes deeper than the surface of my skin. If it goes deeper than my skin, it’s too freakin’ deep.
Special moisturizers hydrate the skin.
Not any old moisturizers, mind you, but special moisturizers! How is a special moisturizer different from a regular moisturizer? I’d call the factory and ask, but I have a feeling they would just say, “Huh?”
DIRECTIONS: 1. Pump 2. Lather 3. Rinse
How stupid do you have to be to not know how to use soap? Seriously.
For external use only.
Really? I shouldn’t drink liquid soap? Huh.
My brain does this all the time. Shampoo directions: Apply, Lather, Rinse. Good to know; I had planned to rinse first. Furniture polish: Point can at furniture, spray, wipe off with clean cloth. Good thing I read the label; I had planned to wipe it off with a grease-soaked rag.
Rather than just accept glib marketing slogans and stupid label directions as regular people appear to do, my brain has to be a critic, always looking for the stupidity. And that is why I don’t read labels. Wasp killer: I assume I spray it at the wasp nest. Weed killer: I assume I spray it on weeds. Upholstery cleaner: I assume I spray it on the upholstery and wipe it off. But I could be wrong on all counts. I guess one day I should read the labels, but I think I know what they will say. Don’t get it in your eyes. Don’t breathe it. Don’t swallow it. Use gloves. Test on an inconspicuous area. For external use only. Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s chemicals – not rocket science.
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