Headlines II

The headline read:

Ariel Winter Sizzles In A Plunging Minidress While Playing With Puppies

First thought: Is that what people call them nowadays?

Second thought: Oh, they’re talking about dogs. They could have made that clearer.

Because when I read “plunging minidress” and “puppies”, the visual I got was, uh … never mind.

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The headline read:

Miley Cyrus Announces She Doesn't Have to Be Gay After Discovering Not All Men Are Trash

I fired off an email to my male friends: “Good news, guys—Miley Cyrus says some of us aren’t trash. I’m taking that to apply to me. The rest of you are on your own.”

I know they’ll be thrilled, about as much as I was.

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The headline read:

The First Photo of Jennifer Lawrence and Cooke Maroney's Wedding Is Here

Hmm. Jennifer Lawrence—I know who she is; I saw her in a movie. And Cooke Maroney (if that’s his real name)—he’s, well, somebody, I’m sure. But what is it about this headline that would induce me to read the article? Two people I’ve never met, and never will meet, and don’t know I exist, and never will know I exist, just got married. Uh—yay?

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The headline read:

Hacking 20 high-profile dev accounts could compromise half of the npm ecosystem

All together now, folks: “Huh?”

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The headline read:

PHOTOS: Fluorescent turtle embryo wins forty-fifth annual Nikon Small World Competition

There are actual, for-real, glow-in-the-dark turtle embryos. Other than the “that’s cool” factor, I’m not sure what you gain with turtle embryos that glow in the dark. I suppose if one escaped its bowl, you could find it easily by turning off the lights.

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A day rarely passes that, at some point, doesn’t make me scratch my head and think, “What?” and “Why?” Aldous Huxley was prescient. We are living in a “brave new world.” It snuck up on us while we were looking the other way.