It's Not Junk Food

My amigo and fellow blogger CD has informed me that I’ve published too many posts about the virus and I need to get some new content. So in this article I will not talk about the virus.

I drove to the grocery this morning. Almost all the customers were wearing face coverings, perhaps to conceal their identities as I can think of no other reason for such behavior. But oddly, and in defiance of the local custom, the employees who were pretending to stock the shelves were not wearing face coverings.

I mainly bought food items. I bought Spam simply because I haven’t eaten it in a very long time and, after all, Spam is delicious. I bought frozen hamburger patties. The package has 6 patties, but the buns come 8 per package, because of course they do. There’s a wiener maker I won’t name that sells a package of 7 wieners. I can hardly believe it. It’s almost like the wiener company is giving us shoppers a big F* U*.

Almost.

Back to the bun situation. What to do with the extra 2 buns? It occurred to me I could toast them and pour sausage gravy over them and eat them for breakfast, like SOS but with buns and pork gravy instead of toast and creamed beef.

So I bought a can of sausage gravy. The can's label says it is “homestyle” sausage gravy. The only reason I dine out is so that I don’t have to taste my own cooking, so labeling a can of food "homestyle" is not, for me, an inducement to buy it. But I know what they meant. I think.

What other edibles did I buy?

I bought a heat-and-serve (not frozen) dinner of linguine with marinara sauce. I bought a two-pound package of breaded chicken nuggets. (I know, chickens don't have nuggets. Whatever.)

I bought two Totino's Party Pizzas (one Combination and one Triple Meat) and a little can of anchovies. Some people put anchovies and capers on a pizza. I have no use for capers, but sliced black olives might be good with anchovies. One of the pizzas has meat on it so I probably won't put anchovies on that one. I'll have leftover anchovies which I may just eat slice by salty slice right out of the can. Done it before. Or I might save the anchovies for a future pizza. The anchovies, sealed in their can, will stay good for eternity plus a day.

I bought a couple cans of Vienna Sausage. Not the boring Original flavor, but the BBQ flavored sausage. I might even spice them up with a little hot sauce. Armour makes a Bourbon BBQ flavored sauce (the one shown here), which I might have bought if the store had any in stock. I bet it sells out before any of the other flavors.

A lot of people will tell you canned meats (Vienna sausage, deviled ham, sardines, etc.) are foods just for fishing and camping—they're snacks for when you can't cook. But don't believe them. If you're hungry and you're at home but you don't feel like cooking, then they're a tasty way to get some protein.

I returned home and put my purchases on the shelf, in the fridge or the freezer, whichever was appropriate. The canned items joined my Beanie Weenies, grits, oatmeal, peanut butter, sardines, and herring fillets.

And for supper tonight, chili with beans—the kind that comes in a can. It doesn't get any easier. Let's hear it for modern times!