The Mask

I bought my first face mask today. I don’t really need a mask. The purpose of a face mask is to prevent you from spreading the illness, in the event that you have an illness, and I don’t think I have an illness. I’m self-isolating as per the governor’s mandate. I bought it because I don’t want to be tackled to the ground by an officer of the law for not wearing a mask. Nor do I want to be harangued or attacked by an irate customer at a business. There are some businesses that won’t allow you to enter unless you’re wearing a mask. So I bought the thing. But I don’t plan to open the package unless I have to.

The mask is a miracle of nothingness. It’s literally light as a feather. It’s not cloth; it’s about as hefty as a facial tissue. There are instructions on the back of the package—instructions such as:

Before using this mask, consult an Industrial Hygienist or Occupational Safety Professional to determine the suitability for your intended use.

and

This product does not supply oxygen.

Right.

Anyway, I feel a part of the community now. But it’s not a community I want to belong to. I feel more comfortable being around the minority who don’t wear a mask. Isn’t that strange? But I’ll hang onto my mask for those occasions where I must have a mask. You will wear a mask or you will die! Okay, be cool, I’ll wear a mask. I have one; it’s in my wallet. Let me get it out. Where is that thing? Is it here? No, that’s my driver’s license. Is it here? No, that’s my insurance card. Here it is! I’ll rip open the package and take it out and…nope, that’s my emergency condom. Where is that dang mask?

One day things will be normal again, I hope.