The Visit

Today I’m posting a couple of diary entries from 2003. At the time, I was preparing for a winter visit by my cousin Ron and his wife Betty who were driving up from Florida to Virginia. You can see how I cater to my visitors. I bend over backward to make sure my guests are comfy. How many people do that? By the way, I’m a slightly better cook now.

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December 8th, 2003

Time is short now. It’s Monday already, and cuz’n Ron and his wife Betty will be driving up from Florida on Wednesday, so I’ve hustled today to get things done. Washed the bathroom and kitchen, vacuumed, put stuff away. My house still looks like the place the Beverly Hillbillies moved from.

I’ve got a special treat for cuz’n Ron and Betty. I’m gonna plug the fuse back into the electric water heater circuit. Because I know how married women get ... spoiled. And the guys who live with them for any length of time ... spoiled. Just a hint that they might bathe in cold water and it’s whine, whine, whine. Heck, when those married guys were 15 they would go camping and bathe in a mountain stream, which is basically melted snow, and they’d hop around and holler and have a good time. But now, the mere suggestion that the shower nozzle emits ice water and it’s ... you guessed it ... whine, whine, whine. People are getting soft. So I plugged the fuse back into the water heater circuit. I’m trying to keep people happy here.

December 9th, 2003

My concern today is food, because I know Ron and Betty aren’t going to want to drive 800 miles to visit me and then spend their time buying groceries and cooking meals. Of course, I could give them a choice - buy groceries and cook food ... or ... don’t eat for five days, take your pick. But I will admit that five days is a bit of a stretch. When I do it I run out of energy after three days. Of course I, being a single guy, just scrounge food wherever. Usually, my kitchen holds enough food for maybe two meals, one of those meals being peanut butter.

I don’t cook. Never have. But I can “cook” simple things ... meals so simple that what you’re really doing is more like “heating up” than “cooking”. So tonight I decided to prepare their first meal in advance. Beans. Yes sir. Betcha that was a big surprise. But these won’t be any ordinary beans, no sir. These beans are gonna be sweet-n’-sour beans. These beans are gonna be tasty beans. These beans are gonna be great beans.

I had a little trouble finding enough bacon grease for the beans. There’s only so much grease in a pound of bacon. I hope it’s enough.

I recall I served Spanish rice with the sweet-and-sour beans. Ron and Betty said they loved the rice and beans. In fact, they loved them so much that Betty insisted on cooking the rest of the meals during their visit. I guess she was trying to pay me back for the delicious meal I prepared because she wouldn’t let me near the kitchen. She insisted on preparing all the meals … even going to the store to buy groceries. Which is a shame because they never got a chance to enjoy my follow-up meal: peanut butter and olive sandwiches.