Why I Don’t Cook

Once in a while I’m tempted to cook something. I know better, but occasionally I go against my better judgment. It happens like this:

I run across a recipe for super-spicy hummus. I like hummus and I like spicy food. It sounds tasty. I’m tempted. I decide to make some.

First, I need to buy a few items I’ll never use outside of this recipe. I’ll need a half teaspoon of this and a quarter teaspoon of that. A quarter cup of this and an ounce of that. By the time I’ve bought a can, box, bag, or jar of every ingredient I need, I’ve been to three stores and spent forty two dollars, not counting gas. I take everything home and begin preparation. Oops, I didn’t see the part about using a food processor. I don’t have a food processor – I haven’t needed one until now – but forty two dollar hummus is expensive enough and I draw the line at buying a food processor. I decide I can just stir the ingredients really hard. After three hours of toiling, almost all the big lumps and many of the smaller lumps are mixed in. I wash up the pots and pans and clean the spills off the counter. It was a lot of work but I have enough super-spicy hummus to feed approximately twenty people. The recipe says “serve with pita chips.” What’s a pita chip? It sounds like one more way to get too many carbs. I taste the hummus; it’s not bad, except for the small lumps. I eat a little hummus with dinner and put the rest in the fridge. I promptly forget about the hummus. When I accidentally discover the container two weeks later, the hummus is covered with mold. And what about the leftover ingredients? The fresh spices wilted after three days. The dried spices I bought just for this recipe will sit on my kitchen counter until next year when I throw them out. The next time I need garlic cloves, I’ll have to buy fresh. You can’t buy a tablespoon of flour, and the bag of flour goes into a container in the cabinet above the stove where it will sit undisturbed until the distant day that archeologists of the future uncover it.

I’ve repeated this scenario with various recipes enough times to know better than to make meals that require cooking skills. Even a “side” can be problematic. I love asparagus but hesitate to buy it because most of it will go directly into the garbage can. Even food that comes pre-spoiled, like kimchee, spoils before it’s used up.

The simple recipes I post, like stir-fry veggies and pizza wrap, are not “cooking”. I call ‘em “throwing stuff together.” I love chili, and on a winter day I may throw together some chili and slow-cook it all day. I love Pasta e Fagioli and have been known to throw some together from time to time – though it’s never as good as the same soup at Olive Garden. If I’m in a mood for carbs, I may throw together some spanish rice with sweet-and-sour beans. I don’t mind throwing stuff together for lunch or dinner, but don’t ask me to cook.