A large white envelope arrived by USPS today. It was from my friend CyberDave in Roanoke-town. “What wondrous item has CyberDave sent me?”, I wondered. Multiple thoughts flashed through my mind, rapid fire. A free update to Windows 7? A free copy of Visual Basic 2010, no doubt obtained through his computer club? I fondled the package; it felt like a book. Hmmm … a book? Is it the autographed John Holland robotics book I loaned CyberDave years ago and now his wife, in a fit of extreme housecleaning, has ordered him to return? “Get this out of the house,” I imagined her saying. “Books are clutter.” Or perhaps he has sent me a genuine, personally autographed copy of his first book, which I imagine would somehow combine elements of programming, computer-aided design, and beer.
I ripped open the envelope and eagerly withdrew the contents. It wasn’t a book after all, but a book-shaped box holding a DVD. It was a video instruction DVD from LiveLessons titled Data Access in the ASP.NET 2.0 Framework.
Huh? Data Access, that sounds like database stuff. ASP is Active Server Page technology. ASP.NET implies that the ASP technology is designed to run on the .Net Framework. I’m not sure I am smart enough to understand all this stuff. People are always overestimating my intelligence. I’m really not that smart. I’ve just learned how to be good at faking it.
Well, thanks very much, CyberDave. I will definitely watch as much as I can, barring a brain meltdown. This may turn out to be the very thing I need to make my website take off and turn me into a software-mogul/celebrity-billionaire. And if that happens, I won’t forget you. No, indeed. In fact, to show my appreciation I declare publicly, right here and now, that I will return this DVD to you anytime you want it. Just call my secretary and tell her, and she will have your message waiting for me the very next time I get back from the Bahamas. After all, it’s the least I can do. And never let it be said I didn’t do the least I could do.
Steve the window guy was here today. He was here 4 weeks ago to measure my upstairs dormer windows for replacement windows. The old dual-pane windows had gotten so fogged up internally that they had become opaque. I am a firm believer that windows should be transparent, so I made arrangements to replace them. Steve measured them (and wow, was he fast – zip with that tape measure, got it –zip, got it –zip, got it) and took off. A week later I called him. “Did you order the windows yet?” “I ordered them this morning.” Replacement windows must be custom made. The two front windows measured 32 inches wide, but the rear bathroom window measured 32-1/2. So he showed up today with the windows. The front windows went in very quickly (Steve: “Tell me I can’t measure a window!”), but when he got to the back window, the window that measured 32-1/2 wide 4 weeks ago -- well, it measured 32 inches wide today. Oops. Steve pointed out the back window didn’t have trim inside the frame, and he had taken the measurement assuming it did. He looked at me and said “Who would have thought somebody would install a window and leave it without any trim?!” He looked suspiciously at me as he said it, implying that it wasn’t his fault and that, quite possibly, it was my fault. Somehow. I shrugged. What do I know about windows? Not much, but I do know you can’t return a custom-made window for a refund. Even though he had asked me to tell him, I resisted the temptation to say “You can’t measure a window.” I felt bad he had to eat that window, but we younger geezers know how the Universe works … just brag on what a great job you’ve done before the job is completely finished and Bam! you’ll get a giant smackdown from the Universe. Every time.
If all goes according to plan, Steve should return in a few weeks to replace that last window and wrap the frames.
Oh yeah, one more thing; according to Steve, “Obama is going to destroy the country.” How so, Steve? Steve started listing things “the guy on the radio” told him. Stop right there, let’s take the first thing you said. “Obama is going to get rid of the Republicans.” Get rid of the Republicans? “Yeah.” You’re kidding, Steve. The Republican Party is set to win big in the mid-term elections. How is Obama going to get rid of them? “You’ll see,” he said.
So goodbye GOP. Remember, you heard it here first. Unless you, too, listen to the guy on the radio.
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