This blog post is an automatic transcription from the last part of my recent webcast in which people ask me questions. After reading the answers, I hope some of you feel enlightened. I am happy to answer any question, as long as I know the answer.
[webcast in progress…]
What makes you smile?
People. Sometimes. And sometimes people make me sad.
What food would you never eat?
Anything with tentacles, especially if it’s moving. And okra.
(I admit I have eaten pickled jellyfish. And alligator. And I’ve even eaten okra — but I was young and didn’t know better.)
Is the Universe a simulation running on a very advanced supercomputer built by a race of beings a million years more advanced than humans?
Yes.
How can I fry the perfect egg?
You can’t, you have to buy it already fried on the grill in a beer bar.
How can I fry the perfect hamburger?
See answer to previous question.
Is there life on Mars?
Yes, but only on Saturday nights after midnight. (Wink, wink.)
Have you ever eaten pickled pigs’ feet?
I have, and they were delicious. But I was five years old and didn’t really understand what I was eating. My granny could have fed me pickled scorpion lips and I would have been okay with it.
Do we have free will?
Yes, at the library. But it’s on VHS. Oh wait, what? Ah — I thought you were talking about that movie “Free Willy”, the one about the killer whale. Never mind. (Sorry — apparently I had no choice but to write that answer.)
Is the future just as real as the past?
Yes. For example, I know I’ll be buzzed at 1 AM, even though I haven’t opened the vodka yet. How can I know that, unless the future has already happened? And if the future has already happened, it has to be real. That’s just logic.
Scientists are talking about reviving wooly mammoths. Is that wise?
Well, yeah. Think of how much wool we could get from one mammoth. Those suckers are huge.
Okay, fans, time is almost up. I have about 30 seconds left — time for one last question.
What is the secret to an ordinary guy picking up a beautiful woman?
It’s not a secret. The answer is well known. Books have been written about it. The one thing you must do to make a beautiful woman fall for you is
[…webcast terminated]
1 comment:
The answer is Suspenders. Woman came into the store the other day and noted my suspenders. "I think Suspenders make a man look sexy," she said.
"That's information I needed when I was a teenager," I replied. So, the answer is: Suspenders!
CD
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