The 205 Factor

I have a bathroom scale which, despite its name, lives in my bedroom. It’s a digital scale that has no springs. Instead, it uses a strain gauge to measure weight placed on it. Over the long term, it will retain its accuracy better than spring scales. So they say.

Apparently I have a masochistic streak, because there are days when I stand on the scale and check my weight. Lately, it has been reading 205 every time I check it. But I haven’t gone to the grocery store recently, and I’ve been subsisting on odds and ends. The fridge is nearly empty except for a few condiments, but you can’t live on ketchup and mayonnaise. Or can you?

As a result of this diminishing food supply, I’ve been eating less and my weight has decreased. I got on the scale this morning and it read 201. I thought, “I need to pee, and I bet that will make it hit 200.” So I walked to the bathroom and took care of business. I walked back to the bedroom and stepped on the scale. The scale did not read 200 as I had hoped. It read 202. So much for strain gauges.

But I’m still on my un-diet. I skipped breakfast this morning, despite the almost irresistible temptation posed by the possibility of eating cold cereal. Then for a late lunch I ate a Power Bowls frozen entrée: Spicy Beef Teriyaki. I think Healthy Choice and I must have different definitions for the word “spicy.” It was a low-carb meal, but that isn’t why I bought it. Actually, I didn’t know it was low-carb at the time. But it turned out to have 170 calories. I quickly decided that for breakfast and lunch in one meal, I’m going to need a little more in the way of calories.

I turned to good old, reliable, cinnamon toast. It tastes great and it’s so easy to make. Get a couple slices of bread and spread butter on them, sprinkle with sugar, and then add cinnamon. It doesn’t take much sugar. A single sugar packet is enough for two slices. Pop the bread under the oven broiler. (A toaster oven is ideal for this.) Watch carefully because it will be ready quickly.

If you don’t agree that cinnamon toast is the best sweet thing to ever hit your taste buds, I will happily refund all the money you paid for this recipe.

Now I have to worry about dinner. My mainstays, hot dogs and hamburgers, are gone. My hotdog buns and hamburger buns have gone the way of cinnamon toast. Hmm. A quick review of the pantry shows that I have plenty of comestibles. I have fixings for a tuna salad sandwich, and I have Beanie Weenies, and I have flounder fillet in the freezer. Plus I have 3 more frozen entrees. And I have cold cereal, and oatmeal, and grits and butter. And Brunswick stew. And a few tins of sardines and herring fillets. And sausage biscuits. And a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant. And a loaf of bread. And a half jar of peanut butter. Real peanut butter—ingredients: peanuts and salt.

You know what I don’t have? Anything green. Can you guess from my diet that there is no woman in my life?

One final note about cinnamon toast. You don’t have to make it on sliced bread. Hamburger buns work well, too. But I suggest you stay away from hotdog buns. From an engineering standpoint, hotdog buns don’t have the correct form factor for good cinnamon buns. I prefer a well-engineered bun (round or square) because it has better structural integrity. (Cinnamon buns should not be not be confused with cinnamon rolls
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because we all know that cinnamon rolls are a whole other thing. And I want one right now.)

So at the end of the day, I checked my scale and it no longer reads 205. Yay!

Now it reads 206. Sigh.